A friend called me at 3am one night wanting to talk. Because I had known they were going to call, because I had told him to if he wanted to talk, I went over. At some point in our conversation we were talking about 'home' and how people feel the need to go back home. My opinion was something like "I think people go 'home' to be with what is familiar. People don't really know who they are, they don't spend the time looking or they don't want to, are afraid to. So they settle for what is familiar thinking it defines them. They don't realize they are their own home, where ever they are." My friends response was that that may have been the most intelligent thing he'd ever heard me say.
This blog is not a 'dear diary' though I can't promise there won't be a few rants and a few personal topics as well as some controversial ones. This blog was born out of my statement to my friend about home being within you once you know who you are. I'm not afraid to try and find out who I am, though I'll be first to admit I have found answers I do not like and have trouble figuring out which questions to ask. I am far from being able to give any kind of concise answer as to who I am but in the last year I have come far from where I started. As a general statement and observation I also fear that though I still feel in the dark about myself, I fear I'm further than most people will get. Hence the other reason for this blog. As my friend has spent the last year inspiring me to figure out who I am and I have done the same with other friends of mine, I feel it is something people should at least be exposed to. That they just need to know they aren't the only one who has no clue what they see when they look inside and that someone is willing to sit and talk about it with them.
So where do I call home? Sadly i consider myself homeless for now. True I grew up in the same house for 18 years and go back for holidays. But every time I go back it just makes me realize its no longer where I belong, that it's part of my past. For anyone that thinks that callous and mean spirited towards my family, my mother was the first I told this and though she would like for me to spend more time with her, she encourages me to take all the opportunities I have while I can. That town may be where my roots are but I know it isn't where I belong. My college town isn't where I belong either. I enjoy it for what it is, a transfer from my childhood town to me living independently. In a more literal sense, I'm notorious for never sleeping in my own bed at the house I live in now. More times then not I stay at lab or crash at a friends, or even just on the couch if I do make it home. Perhaps this is just a subconcious effort to reaffirm that I don't feel like this is home.
I spent a lot of late nights last spring with a good friend talking about life, love, personal development and choices. I then spent most of the summer by myself, literally isolated from the world, with people I barely knew. The work I did didn't require much thought and when the work day was over, I had hours to myself and mostly used that time to go over those conversations in my head and do some more thinking of my own. I didn't come up with the answers to life and I still have no clue what love is but I learned a lot about myself. I ended up with more questions than answers though.
For now I'm content with the relationships I've forged and though I feel a little lost at times, they get me through it. Homeless isn't such a horrible thing. I personally believe its better than living in the dark at least. And maybe one day, I'll know my home.
