"Good chess players think 5 moves in advance" "But great chess players think only one move ahead. But it's always the right move." I remember a teacher telling me the first half of that quote in sixth grade, however I had never heard the second half about great thinkers. As I heard it off of Lie to Me, I am not sure of its legitimacy, but it got me thinking anyway.
As a college student, it seems like every other question I hear is in regards to the future. What do I wanna do with my degrees? Where do I see myself at my tenth high school reunion? What am I doing this summer? Where do I wanna live? How many kids do I want? The list goes on endlessly and the answer I give to many of these questions is "I don't know." But lets not kid ourselves, life thus far seems to be questions about the future. I remember in 5th grade noticing a pattern in what teachers said at the beginning and end of each year. 4th grade's job is to prepare you for the 5th, 5th for Jr. High, Jr. High for High School, High School for College yada yada. But on a rare occasion there was a teacher that said their job was to prepare us for the future and life (A big thanks to those teachers too, starting with Foss and Brassard through to Boffa, Pomerleau, Conroy and Leblanc). So why is it I find myself unable to think of the future?
Maybe it's because I have a tendancy to be stuck in the past. Like everyone else my past is motled with good and bad events, people coming and going, laughter and well not tears as I don't see the point but definitely sad moments. It's nothing special. But it's something I know and I know well. The only unknowns are when I play the what-if game. But it's all done with. My high school swim team was like a family when we all dealt with 4 funerals in 4 months. My senior year I put a marching band on the field. I never missed a day in Jr. High. I started my 'career' as a writer in sixth grade. I broke almost every finger in both hands from winter guard alone. There may not be any proof but I believe that the majority of people operate like this. It is much less scary to deal with things in the past and convince ones self that history repeats itself, thus giving a reason to perhaps use the past as a crutch. I also believe most people have a fantasy of an idealistic future with kids names, a city to live in and the kind of car they drive all wrapped up with a pretty bow on top waiting for them. I am not one of those many. For those that say they don't think about the future because they like the surprise, I call Bullshit. A surprise from life is often, though not always, a kick in the teeth. But this may also be the ravings of a jaded mind. Though I do believe those that say the future is open to anything you make it and it just depends on what opportunities you see and take.
This is not about other people though, or the majority, it's about me. (If you really know me, I would hope you have figured out I do not like talking about myself but am rather skilled at merely making people think I share myself with them.) A little over a month ago, I voiced my fear to a friend that I was on the wrong path and he in turned ask me what I saw when I looked at the big picture. In this instance the big picture referred to the future. I have spent from then, until now think of that big picture and what I see. Sadly, I see nothing. I have agonized over the recent decisions I have made and what kind of position they have put me in, where they could lead and what decision they have me now facing. I have the ability to look at what I have done, am doing and have an opportunity to do and follow those things into the future with a logical and realistic mindset of where it will land me, for better or worse. But for the life of me I can not say which path is right for me. And I am wise enough to realize I am the only one that can figure that out, though I do value advice and guidance from those I trust.
I started by saying a good chess player thinks 5 moves ahead. I will jump up and down and sign in blood that I absolutely detest thinking that far ahead. That would cause me to second guess to the point of insanity. However, I also quoted that a great chess player only thinks one move in advance. Ok, well I do do that. I am in college with a hopeful career in mind so yes I have some tentative idea of what I need to do when I wake up tomorrow. The other part of that quote was that it's always the right move. And that is where I'm full of self doubt and uncertainty. Whether I am a good or a great chess player is yet to be seen. Maybe I should just stick to 4-Square.
The most asked question when I broach this subject with someone is "What makes you happy?" and to those people I say: I don't know. But, alas, that is a blog for another night.
