Thoughts on Life

I’ve been think a lot lately, or rather trying to, but it generally just leads off on some tangent and no resolution. The good that has come of that is I’ve become more aware of certain ‘principles’ if you will that have guided my life. Some of them I have heard from my mom or other people since I was a little kid, others were influence by some form of teacher later on and still others are something I have learned on my own.

1 Everything Happens for a Reason. I’m not talking every little thing happens for some profound reason, I fall off chairs all the time cuz, well, I’m a clutz. But the bigger thing, especially the ones that appear to have absolutely no logic, there’s some reason somewhere. That reason may not become apparent for years, or it may not even be for you. For those that really know me, which is a sad handful, a raised eyebrow would not surprise me but I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am if not for my past.

2 Pick Your Battles. My mom realized when we were young that us kids not having a clean room was not something she was going to fret about on her death bed. I can be really argumentative at times yet be equally as passive about things people dig their teeth into. When I’m not sure what to fight for any more or what’s worth fighting over, I go with what I will regret later.

3. Laugh or Cry. It’s a choice to react to a situation. I laugh at inappropriate moments but I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with it. I know others don’t see things how I do. But when you’re at somebody’s possible death bed, I just don’t see what crying does. For that matter I don’t see what crying does period. Find the humor in the situation cuz there is always something ironic or out of place to be laughed at.

4. It’s the Small Things.  I used to worry about everything to a ridiculous point until a teacher told me to stop and smell the flowers once in a while, to figure out what was really important. I haven’t figure out what’s really important and I still worry too much but now it’s those small things I hold precious. The swings at dusk with a good friend, rain with a clear blue sky, baby animals playing, a good laugh with friends. All things that mean nothing in the long run but are things I look back on and smile.

5. Life is Change. One of my colorguard instructors told me this my senior year. I’ve always hated change. Refused to even change my seat at the dinner table. But since I was told that, the more it makes sense and the more I’m ok with change. I’ve always been adaptable but now I’ve put that adaptability to use. Though there are still some things I’d like to leave the way they are.

6. Listen to Your Intuition. My family seems to have a stronger intuition than most, or maybe we just listen closer. There’s been more than one situation it has saved my butt, and a few that I ignored it and sorely regretted it later too. That little voice really does know what it’s talking about the majority of the time. Of  course just common sense will help in most situations too. Stealing cones from a church parking lot . . . ya that was a no brainer.

7. Be Kind Without Expecting Anything in Return. When I was in New England, manners were a rarity at least the kind with guys refusing to let you open your own door. So I was a lil surprised when I came down here to that kind of thing. But what surprised me more was that people seem to keep a tit for tat. I never understood that. Its not really doing someone a ‘favor’ if you’re expecting something back, that brings to mind the mob or politicians. I don’t operate on that system, in general I do things because they have to be done and I don’t mind. It’s something that generally doesn’t cost you much effort and helps someone out. Makes me wonder if society might be a lil better off if we all threw our chit sheets out and did what we hoped someone would do for us, taking a ‘Thanks’ in exchange for payment.

8. Life Isn’t Fair. . . It’s a fact.

There’s some smaller things I left out. There are other things I strongly believe in and other things I want to put into practice more but can’t seem to. And as with everything there are always exceptions to, well, everything. These are my personal thoughts, and only part of them at that, the less controversial part. Thanks to those that have contributes to these thoughts that help guide my life.

At home being homeless

A friend called me at 3am one night wanting to talk. Because I had known they were going to call, because I had told him to if he wanted to talk, I went over. At some point in our conversation we were talking about 'home' and how people feel the need to go back home. My opinion was something like "I think people go 'home' to be with what is familiar. People don't really know who they are, they don't spend the time looking or they don't want to, are afraid to. So they settle for what is familiar thinking it defines them. They don't realize they are their own home, where ever they are." My friends response was that that may have been the most intelligent thing he'd ever heard me say.

This blog is not a 'dear diary' though I can't promise there won't be a few rants and a few personal topics as well as some controversial ones. This blog was born out of my statement to my friend about home being within you once you know who you are. I'm not afraid to try and find out who I am, though I'll be first to admit I have found answers I do not like and have trouble figuring out which questions to ask. I am far from being able to give any kind of concise answer as to who I am but in the last year I have come far from where I started. As a general statement and observation I also fear that though I still feel in the dark about myself, I fear I'm further than most people will get. Hence the other reason for this blog. As my friend has spent the last year inspiring me to figure out who I am and I have done the same with other friends of mine, I feel it is something people should at least be exposed to. That they just need to know they aren't the only one who has no clue what they see when they look inside and that someone is willing to sit and talk about it with them.

So where do I call home? Sadly i consider myself homeless for now. True I grew up in the same house for 18 years and go back for holidays. But every time I go back it just makes me realize its no longer where I belong, that it's part of my past. For anyone that thinks that callous and mean spirited towards my family, my mother was the first I told this and though she would like for me to spend more time with her, she encourages me to take all the opportunities I have while I can. That town may be where my roots are but I know it isn't where I belong. My college town isn't where I belong either. I enjoy it for what it is, a transfer from my childhood town to me living independently. In a more literal sense, I'm notorious for never sleeping in my own bed at the house I live in now. More times then not I stay at lab or crash at a friends, or even just on the couch if I do make it home. Perhaps this is just a subconcious effort to reaffirm that I don't feel like this is home.

I spent a lot of late nights last spring with a good friend talking about life, love, personal development and choices. I then spent most of the summer by myself, literally isolated from the world, with people I barely knew. The work I did didn't require much thought and when the work day was over, I had hours to myself and mostly used that time to go over those conversations in my head and do some more thinking of my own. I didn't come up with the answers to life and I still have no clue what love is but I learned a lot about myself. I ended up with more questions than answers though.

For now I'm content with the relationships I've forged and though I feel a little lost at times, they get me through it. Homeless isn't such a horrible thing. I personally believe its better than living in the dark at least. And maybe one day, I'll know my home.