A look in the rearview mirror

"If you could go back in time, what's one thing in your life you would change?" has to be one of the most asked questions on the surveys teens fill out (and yes bored adults) along with "whats your favorite color?" and "does the person you like, like you back?" Which is why maybe this question isn't taken with much seriousness any more. There are many ways to look at it though: the past is in the past; the past makes you who you are today; you learn from the past; or history repeats itself. To each their own, there is no 'correct' way to think about it.

As you read this I suggest one thing, especially if you are in the habit of sharing your opinion with others and giving advice. In going through these thought processes I am about to, picture your own past, picture someone telling you these things, and think of how it makes you react to hear someone compartmentalize something they probably don't know the whole truth of. It has happened to everyone and we've probably all done it to someone too so this is my version of putting a mirror in front of people to see if they can take their own advice.

Rather recently I heard 'the past is in the past' from a friend followed by 'deal with it.' If I hadn't been used to that line by now from just about everyone, I might have been offended. To an extent, this is true. The events that transpired prior to this moment are history. They can't be undone and may never occur again. But let's take the affects of these events and put them in context shall we? As adults, even teenagers, we have the ability to reason, we can figure out the why of things. When parents get divorced, unless in the self absorbed phase that most of us go through, we get it. Things didn't work out, the relationship broke down and it's the better choice for the majority. Most 5-year-olds in this same scenario will be told Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more. They won't understand why until much later and this will most likely affect them for at least part of their life. When you spank a kid, they learn not to do that (or get a phobia of counting sometimes) but don't actually learn why they shouldn't do something. Just that you're not supposed to do that. Or even better the little kid that was bit by a spider or stung by a bee who as an adult still screams and runs at the sight of one. If our entomology lab got a dollar for every student with this same exact story they would never apply for another grant. Just a very common example of why the past may not exactly be in the past and thus is hard to 'just deal with it' because its hard to confront something that isn't in the present.

In my Intro to Criminal Justice class we had 25 students, the same group who would have the same classes together for a year. If you ever want to get a sense of exactly what the past making you who you are today is, sit in on a class like that. You learn quickly just how much events in our lives affect us. I would say about 75% of that class could point to a specific moment in their life that put them on the track to a career in CJ. They aren't about to forget it either or try and bury it and pretend it didn't happen. And some of them are the kind of people who might just spit in your face if you were to tell them to get over it already. The people who think like this I find are often the same people who make the differences in the world. They accept whatever happened, good or bad, and use it to push forward. It's not usually that neat and tidy necessarily but you get the picture.

Learning from the past and history repeating itself I see as being opposites of each other. In an overly simplified example: if one drinks too much and has the unpleasant experience of throwing up they may learn to stop one drink short next time. Or they may just do the same exact thing next time. I have found it true that we learn best from our own mistakes and normally with a direct correlation to the worse the mistake the better we learn. Sure there are huge holes is this hypothesis such as the kid that manages to cheat his way all the way through a bachelors degree. But take a second and think about some things you refuse to do and why you refuse to. Also, what things you do over and over again and always ask yourself why after? Sometimes we learn from the past, we just don't apply the lesson.

Everyone has a past. Fact. That past can't be changed. Also fact. Life will continue on. Again, a fact. Does this mean we should just forget it once the next moment in our life comes along? Well if so then I'm not sure why we keep inventing better and better cameras as their sole purpose is to document our past. Rather I think we need to keep in mind that no one has the same past, some are more pleasant than others as well as those we can't imagine people surviving through. Some people don't mind talking about it and others would rather keep it on a need to know basis. The past may not be our identity but even those who have amnesia have things from the past to deal with.

What would I change if I could go back? I've been asked this many times and thought about it on my own much to much. But I think it finally comes down to I wouldn't change anything. Yes, I believe it has made me who I am, I do things every day I can directly relate to it. My particular past is indeed in the past in the manner that I do not get a do over, I can not fix what happened and though I understand things now, I didn't then and had the misfortune of it imprinting on me in ways I cannot change. But I try to learn and move forward with the wisdom gained. It is in fact the only thing I know for certain in my life. The future is unwritten and the present is in constant flux but before this moment happened and it is perhaps the only certain thing in life.

If given the chance, what would you change in your past? Before you answer though, what would you lose? the most valuable lesson you ever learned? or would you gain something more? Perhaps a peace of mind?

Loyalty begets . . . just get a dog

"The human race by nature doesn't know loyalty. It's a trait that must be developed. Dogs know nothing else than to be loyal." This was a text I got from my younger brother over a year ago at 2am in the morning. It didn't take me long to type out a one word message: "Agreed." Me and him may not talk that often but there are certain things we always go to each other for because we know the other will understand. Loyalty has always been one of those things.

I recently tried to explain to a friend that I am loyal to a fault, though I'm positive he still doesn't understand. Others may perceive this as being deaf, dumb and blind, perhaps letting myself be led on or having extremely rose tinted glasses about a person. I tend to laugh at these people. By loyal to a fault I mean that I am neither a fair weather nor fowl weather friend. I don't stick around to share the glory and I don't stick around to feel less miserable. In all actuality, I am extremely empathetic and other peoples misery quickly impacts me. I simply am there, for it all. This is not necessarily for everyone, but does go for those I deem important in my life. I see these friends faults just as well as I see their good points and I accept them at face value for who and what they are. Why this concept is hard to grasp, I do not know. Tolerance, patience and acceptance are things we could all do with a little more of.

Like I said though, I'm loyal to a fault. My fault. For some reason this loyalty seems to be a one way street. Ok, sure, people don't ask it of me. Well too bad because it is part of the package deal. That does not mean it needs to be thrown in my face. I'm not dumb, I know when I'm being walked on or taken advantage of. It just doesn't bother me that much and I've learned that people truly feel sorry when they figure out for themselves what they are doing, not when it's pointed out. I'm not deaf. I may walk around with headphones in a lot but I hear people talk. I'm good at putting pieces together and coming to the right conclusion. Alcohol makes for loose lips as well. I'm not blind either, though body language does seem to be a lost art to most people and they don't realize they speak it fluently but can't understand a word. Just observe people for a while and you'd be amazed what you learn. Mirrored sunglasses are a major perk for this. The warning signs are there and I choose to ignore them so I'm not being led on, I am a willing participant. My glasses aren't tinted either, I see very clearly what is infront of me and accept it. All of this just means that when things do go to hell, it is my fault.

I understand why I am this way. Betrayal in early life sucks and is a lesson hard earned and not forgotten. What I don't understand is why other people are the way they are. Is it really that easy or even smart to throw aside someone who no matter what will stand beside you, if not in front of you? What does one gain from this anyhow? Is it just the fact that I too have flaws but others are not as accepting as me? This coarse of events has happened several times in my life though only in recent years has it been significant in meaning. Perhaps it bothers me because I know I will not change. I will be loyal to that person, walk out on conversations trashing them, answer their call at 3am and try to make sure they have something to smile at until they walk away. And that is what has to happen. I can be lied to infinite number of times but will forgive, though not forget. I can be forgotten and pushed aside but will still sit in the corner waiting for them to bore of whatever caught their attention. I will defend them even when I am the butt end of the joke. I will also fight for them to stay when they want to walk away. But eventually it seems that is what happens, it is what always happens. I have become used to it, though not numb to it. The part that usually stings the most is that there never seems to be an explanation when they leave. All I ask for is understanding, not the same level of loyalty in return. So why is a simple explanation so hard to give me?

Perhaps my brother was right. Loyalty is only a learned trait to humans and most humans feel it is a waste of time. And though a dog may wake you up at 3am, its probably just because they want to cuddle with you.