As a kid we were all told to make Christmas and Birthday lists so my mom could give ideas to relatives and such. Mine was split up into categories, literally, typed with headings and everything. The particular one that everyone found hilarious every year was "Unrealistic/ Not happening." Under this were things such as a tenor sax, a horse, my own room, etc. Even as a kid I was practical. As for the rest of the list, they were usually things like cds, books, and random thing that were useful. I never really wanted anything. I stopped telling people what was on my 'list' years ago in hopes that they would stop buying me things.
Lately things have been in a state of major upheaval in many aspects of my life and several people have told me to figure out what I want. I wonder if they realize how hard a task this really is for me. I was raised to not be selfish. In fact, due to the environment I was raised in, I don't even think of the impact on myself most times. For those that don't believe this, let's run a scenario. It's common knowledge that I don't sleep much and I don't sleep well. Yet I keep my phone on ring. Because when a friend calls at 3 or 4am, whether it's that they need a DD, are sick and need someone to help them or just had a fight with someone, I answer. Funny how almost every other person I know turns their phone to silent at night. I get that I'm not normal but sometimes it frustrates me that friendships have business hours. Fuck that. But alas I digress.
So what do I want? I'm still not even sure what that question means. Is it referring to my over all life out come? My personal life? Academics? Perhaps what I want for Christmas? The next 5 years? or at age 40? Before I die? Is this a bucket list type question? Can I buy a clue? In general, I suppose I want a warm house and a bunch of fuzzy blankets to curl up with when I'm tired. I want a cup of coffee in the morning that I can sip at my leisure. I want soft clothes that are comfortable to be in for whatever I do in a 20 hour period. I want the sun to shine and to sit outside and watch the animals play. I want to be surrounded by friends that make me laugh and smile. I want to not worry constantly about what is not getting done. I want to sit on a porch talking with a a good friend while sipping on wine til the sun comes up. I want to be able to lay down at night without a migraine and just fall asleep. Most of these things are not unreasonable, yet most of these things also do not happen.
These are also all things I will set aside if others will benefit. I was once told I help others because it's an excuse to procrastinate. . . Interesting thought. Yes indeed I'm a masochisc perfectionist, worry wart that enjoys panic attacks. Please raise your hand if that makes any sense and you are not on mind altering substances. I genuinely do want for others to be happy over me, you can believe it or not. But judge for yourself next time you ask me for a favor. I don't know what I want out of life. My academic path is in constant flux and sometimes I don't have control over it. I have no idea where I'll be in the future, or where I want to be. New Zealand and the tropics have always intrigued me. But usually people frown at me when they ask where I want to be in so many years and I reply with a geographical location.
The hardest 'want' for me to define has to be the personal one, especially regarding relationships. Since I realize any dream guy I can imagine isn't out there, I never bothered investing the time in making him. I get what I get. There's that damn acceptance again. Honestly all I want is someone that's willing to try to understand me, and has the patience they will desperately need for that task. Someone who will sit next to me when I've had a bad day and not need to say anything. And someone who understands that I'm not blowing them off when it's 2am and I'm still working. I'll come home when I'm done, I always do, I just have responsibilities I take seriously. This goes for friends in general too. It doesn't seem like much but in the past few years of personal experience and observation of others, I may as well ask for the moon.
As for right now, I'm tired and want to go to sleep. But there is work to be done and who really wants to go home to a cold house with no one there to sit and not talk with after its been a really bad week? Keep dreaming and hoping, they give a person drive and purpose. But wanting just brings disappointment.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Confucius never said "Just get over it"
I saw more than my fair share of shrinks growing up and as a product, it's a well established fact that asking me "and how does that make you feel" will get you nothing but a sarcastic smirk with white knuckle and generally a "peachy keen" hissed out of clenched teeth. Lately though I have another phrase I have come to hate almost as much.
Its not often I go to people for advice and there arn't that many people I confide in to begin with. So when I do finally talk to someone and I hear "Just get over it" my hackles raise a bit. Have people really forogtten what friendship is about? Or have they become lazy to the point of not wanting to even take a second to think about giving real advice. This has become a major button for me and lately a few people have stomped on it. I'm not sure what bugs me most, that they presume to know everything about the situation (especially when you've only told them half of it) or that they can take something that obviously means a lot to me and discard it.
I'm one of those people that others confide in. I believe the term used most frequently has been 'accepting.' Not only that, I don't actually like standing by when I can see someones going through a rough patch. So when asked for advice, I usually make myself comfortable because unless its what shoes to wear, I take it seriously and it could take some time. You never know when your input is the one that will make the difference. I want to hear the whole story and all the internal dialogue before I make any statement that may have an impact. I take the time to think about both sides of things, the different possible outcomes of whatever situation, the consequences and what I know about that person. And most importantly, I'm honest with the person. Very rarely is my feedback one sentence and very rarely is it ever a question (I hate it when people just say "well what do you think you should do?" would I be asking for your opinion if I already knew?). More then a few talks have started with "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but," and I always hope that person takes it for what it is, my thoughts and interpretation.
That's not to say that sometimes "I honestly don't know" isn't my answer. There are just some areas of life that I have not yet experienced and rather than make up something that sounds good, I'd prefer not to lead a friend astray. I do what I can which is probably why I'm so frustrated at the many that do way less then they are capable of.
That being said, I know I'm horrible at taking others advice. I'm stubborn and too independent for my own good. This is also why I don't often ask for advice, because I know that about myself. Now I don't ask for advice because it seems people don't actually want to take the time to consider what they are saying and what impact it may have on a person. In life there is no 'getting over it,' there is only learning to live with it. And for those out there that think "just get over it" is a 'good' piece of advice, well now you know why I haven't answered your phone calls.
Its not often I go to people for advice and there arn't that many people I confide in to begin with. So when I do finally talk to someone and I hear "Just get over it" my hackles raise a bit. Have people really forogtten what friendship is about? Or have they become lazy to the point of not wanting to even take a second to think about giving real advice. This has become a major button for me and lately a few people have stomped on it. I'm not sure what bugs me most, that they presume to know everything about the situation (especially when you've only told them half of it) or that they can take something that obviously means a lot to me and discard it.
I'm one of those people that others confide in. I believe the term used most frequently has been 'accepting.' Not only that, I don't actually like standing by when I can see someones going through a rough patch. So when asked for advice, I usually make myself comfortable because unless its what shoes to wear, I take it seriously and it could take some time. You never know when your input is the one that will make the difference. I want to hear the whole story and all the internal dialogue before I make any statement that may have an impact. I take the time to think about both sides of things, the different possible outcomes of whatever situation, the consequences and what I know about that person. And most importantly, I'm honest with the person. Very rarely is my feedback one sentence and very rarely is it ever a question (I hate it when people just say "well what do you think you should do?" would I be asking for your opinion if I already knew?). More then a few talks have started with "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but," and I always hope that person takes it for what it is, my thoughts and interpretation.
That's not to say that sometimes "I honestly don't know" isn't my answer. There are just some areas of life that I have not yet experienced and rather than make up something that sounds good, I'd prefer not to lead a friend astray. I do what I can which is probably why I'm so frustrated at the many that do way less then they are capable of.
That being said, I know I'm horrible at taking others advice. I'm stubborn and too independent for my own good. This is also why I don't often ask for advice, because I know that about myself. Now I don't ask for advice because it seems people don't actually want to take the time to consider what they are saying and what impact it may have on a person. In life there is no 'getting over it,' there is only learning to live with it. And for those out there that think "just get over it" is a 'good' piece of advice, well now you know why I haven't answered your phone calls.
Monday, March 21, 2011
A look in the rearview mirror
"If you could go back in time, what's one thing in your life you would change?" has to be one of the most asked questions on the surveys teens fill out (and yes bored adults) along with "whats your favorite color?" and "does the person you like, like you back?" Which is why maybe this question isn't taken with much seriousness any more. There are many ways to look at it though: the past is in the past; the past makes you who you are today; you learn from the past; or history repeats itself. To each their own, there is no 'correct' way to think about it.
As you read this I suggest one thing, especially if you are in the habit of sharing your opinion with others and giving advice. In going through these thought processes I am about to, picture your own past, picture someone telling you these things, and think of how it makes you react to hear someone compartmentalize something they probably don't know the whole truth of. It has happened to everyone and we've probably all done it to someone too so this is my version of putting a mirror in front of people to see if they can take their own advice.
Rather recently I heard 'the past is in the past' from a friend followed by 'deal with it.' If I hadn't been used to that line by now from just about everyone, I might have been offended. To an extent, this is true. The events that transpired prior to this moment are history. They can't be undone and may never occur again. But let's take the affects of these events and put them in context shall we? As adults, even teenagers, we have the ability to reason, we can figure out the why of things. When parents get divorced, unless in the self absorbed phase that most of us go through, we get it. Things didn't work out, the relationship broke down and it's the better choice for the majority. Most 5-year-olds in this same scenario will be told Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more. They won't understand why until much later and this will most likely affect them for at least part of their life. When you spank a kid, they learn not to do that (or get a phobia of counting sometimes) but don't actually learn why they shouldn't do something. Just that you're not supposed to do that. Or even better the little kid that was bit by a spider or stung by a bee who as an adult still screams and runs at the sight of one. If our entomology lab got a dollar for every student with this same exact story they would never apply for another grant. Just a very common example of why the past may not exactly be in the past and thus is hard to 'just deal with it' because its hard to confront something that isn't in the present.
In my Intro to Criminal Justice class we had 25 students, the same group who would have the same classes together for a year. If you ever want to get a sense of exactly what the past making you who you are today is, sit in on a class like that. You learn quickly just how much events in our lives affect us. I would say about 75% of that class could point to a specific moment in their life that put them on the track to a career in CJ. They aren't about to forget it either or try and bury it and pretend it didn't happen. And some of them are the kind of people who might just spit in your face if you were to tell them to get over it already. The people who think like this I find are often the same people who make the differences in the world. They accept whatever happened, good or bad, and use it to push forward. It's not usually that neat and tidy necessarily but you get the picture.
Learning from the past and history repeating itself I see as being opposites of each other. In an overly simplified example: if one drinks too much and has the unpleasant experience of throwing up they may learn to stop one drink short next time. Or they may just do the same exact thing next time. I have found it true that we learn best from our own mistakes and normally with a direct correlation to the worse the mistake the better we learn. Sure there are huge holes is this hypothesis such as the kid that manages to cheat his way all the way through a bachelors degree. But take a second and think about some things you refuse to do and why you refuse to. Also, what things you do over and over again and always ask yourself why after? Sometimes we learn from the past, we just don't apply the lesson.
Everyone has a past. Fact. That past can't be changed. Also fact. Life will continue on. Again, a fact. Does this mean we should just forget it once the next moment in our life comes along? Well if so then I'm not sure why we keep inventing better and better cameras as their sole purpose is to document our past. Rather I think we need to keep in mind that no one has the same past, some are more pleasant than others as well as those we can't imagine people surviving through. Some people don't mind talking about it and others would rather keep it on a need to know basis. The past may not be our identity but even those who have amnesia have things from the past to deal with.
What would I change if I could go back? I've been asked this many times and thought about it on my own much to much. But I think it finally comes down to I wouldn't change anything. Yes, I believe it has made me who I am, I do things every day I can directly relate to it. My particular past is indeed in the past in the manner that I do not get a do over, I can not fix what happened and though I understand things now, I didn't then and had the misfortune of it imprinting on me in ways I cannot change. But I try to learn and move forward with the wisdom gained. It is in fact the only thing I know for certain in my life. The future is unwritten and the present is in constant flux but before this moment happened and it is perhaps the only certain thing in life.
If given the chance, what would you change in your past? Before you answer though, what would you lose? the most valuable lesson you ever learned? or would you gain something more? Perhaps a peace of mind?
As you read this I suggest one thing, especially if you are in the habit of sharing your opinion with others and giving advice. In going through these thought processes I am about to, picture your own past, picture someone telling you these things, and think of how it makes you react to hear someone compartmentalize something they probably don't know the whole truth of. It has happened to everyone and we've probably all done it to someone too so this is my version of putting a mirror in front of people to see if they can take their own advice.
Rather recently I heard 'the past is in the past' from a friend followed by 'deal with it.' If I hadn't been used to that line by now from just about everyone, I might have been offended. To an extent, this is true. The events that transpired prior to this moment are history. They can't be undone and may never occur again. But let's take the affects of these events and put them in context shall we? As adults, even teenagers, we have the ability to reason, we can figure out the why of things. When parents get divorced, unless in the self absorbed phase that most of us go through, we get it. Things didn't work out, the relationship broke down and it's the better choice for the majority. Most 5-year-olds in this same scenario will be told Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more. They won't understand why until much later and this will most likely affect them for at least part of their life. When you spank a kid, they learn not to do that (or get a phobia of counting sometimes) but don't actually learn why they shouldn't do something. Just that you're not supposed to do that. Or even better the little kid that was bit by a spider or stung by a bee who as an adult still screams and runs at the sight of one. If our entomology lab got a dollar for every student with this same exact story they would never apply for another grant. Just a very common example of why the past may not exactly be in the past and thus is hard to 'just deal with it' because its hard to confront something that isn't in the present.
In my Intro to Criminal Justice class we had 25 students, the same group who would have the same classes together for a year. If you ever want to get a sense of exactly what the past making you who you are today is, sit in on a class like that. You learn quickly just how much events in our lives affect us. I would say about 75% of that class could point to a specific moment in their life that put them on the track to a career in CJ. They aren't about to forget it either or try and bury it and pretend it didn't happen. And some of them are the kind of people who might just spit in your face if you were to tell them to get over it already. The people who think like this I find are often the same people who make the differences in the world. They accept whatever happened, good or bad, and use it to push forward. It's not usually that neat and tidy necessarily but you get the picture.
Learning from the past and history repeating itself I see as being opposites of each other. In an overly simplified example: if one drinks too much and has the unpleasant experience of throwing up they may learn to stop one drink short next time. Or they may just do the same exact thing next time. I have found it true that we learn best from our own mistakes and normally with a direct correlation to the worse the mistake the better we learn. Sure there are huge holes is this hypothesis such as the kid that manages to cheat his way all the way through a bachelors degree. But take a second and think about some things you refuse to do and why you refuse to. Also, what things you do over and over again and always ask yourself why after? Sometimes we learn from the past, we just don't apply the lesson.
Everyone has a past. Fact. That past can't be changed. Also fact. Life will continue on. Again, a fact. Does this mean we should just forget it once the next moment in our life comes along? Well if so then I'm not sure why we keep inventing better and better cameras as their sole purpose is to document our past. Rather I think we need to keep in mind that no one has the same past, some are more pleasant than others as well as those we can't imagine people surviving through. Some people don't mind talking about it and others would rather keep it on a need to know basis. The past may not be our identity but even those who have amnesia have things from the past to deal with.
What would I change if I could go back? I've been asked this many times and thought about it on my own much to much. But I think it finally comes down to I wouldn't change anything. Yes, I believe it has made me who I am, I do things every day I can directly relate to it. My particular past is indeed in the past in the manner that I do not get a do over, I can not fix what happened and though I understand things now, I didn't then and had the misfortune of it imprinting on me in ways I cannot change. But I try to learn and move forward with the wisdom gained. It is in fact the only thing I know for certain in my life. The future is unwritten and the present is in constant flux but before this moment happened and it is perhaps the only certain thing in life.
If given the chance, what would you change in your past? Before you answer though, what would you lose? the most valuable lesson you ever learned? or would you gain something more? Perhaps a peace of mind?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Loyalty begets . . . just get a dog
"The human race by nature doesn't know loyalty. It's a trait that must be developed. Dogs know nothing else than to be loyal." This was a text I got from my younger brother over a year ago at 2am in the morning. It didn't take me long to type out a one word message: "Agreed." Me and him may not talk that often but there are certain things we always go to each other for because we know the other will understand. Loyalty has always been one of those things.
I recently tried to explain to a friend that I am loyal to a fault, though I'm positive he still doesn't understand. Others may perceive this as being deaf, dumb and blind, perhaps letting myself be led on or having extremely rose tinted glasses about a person. I tend to laugh at these people. By loyal to a fault I mean that I am neither a fair weather nor fowl weather friend. I don't stick around to share the glory and I don't stick around to feel less miserable. In all actuality, I am extremely empathetic and other peoples misery quickly impacts me. I simply am there, for it all. This is not necessarily for everyone, but does go for those I deem important in my life. I see these friends faults just as well as I see their good points and I accept them at face value for who and what they are. Why this concept is hard to grasp, I do not know. Tolerance, patience and acceptance are things we could all do with a little more of.
Like I said though, I'm loyal to a fault. My fault. For some reason this loyalty seems to be a one way street. Ok, sure, people don't ask it of me. Well too bad because it is part of the package deal. That does not mean it needs to be thrown in my face. I'm not dumb, I know when I'm being walked on or taken advantage of. It just doesn't bother me that much and I've learned that people truly feel sorry when they figure out for themselves what they are doing, not when it's pointed out. I'm not deaf. I may walk around with headphones in a lot but I hear people talk. I'm good at putting pieces together and coming to the right conclusion. Alcohol makes for loose lips as well. I'm not blind either, though body language does seem to be a lost art to most people and they don't realize they speak it fluently but can't understand a word. Just observe people for a while and you'd be amazed what you learn. Mirrored sunglasses are a major perk for this. The warning signs are there and I choose to ignore them so I'm not being led on, I am a willing participant. My glasses aren't tinted either, I see very clearly what is infront of me and accept it. All of this just means that when things do go to hell, it is my fault.
I understand why I am this way. Betrayal in early life sucks and is a lesson hard earned and not forgotten. What I don't understand is why other people are the way they are. Is it really that easy or even smart to throw aside someone who no matter what will stand beside you, if not in front of you? What does one gain from this anyhow? Is it just the fact that I too have flaws but others are not as accepting as me? This coarse of events has happened several times in my life though only in recent years has it been significant in meaning. Perhaps it bothers me because I know I will not change. I will be loyal to that person, walk out on conversations trashing them, answer their call at 3am and try to make sure they have something to smile at until they walk away. And that is what has to happen. I can be lied to infinite number of times but will forgive, though not forget. I can be forgotten and pushed aside but will still sit in the corner waiting for them to bore of whatever caught their attention. I will defend them even when I am the butt end of the joke. I will also fight for them to stay when they want to walk away. But eventually it seems that is what happens, it is what always happens. I have become used to it, though not numb to it. The part that usually stings the most is that there never seems to be an explanation when they leave. All I ask for is understanding, not the same level of loyalty in return. So why is a simple explanation so hard to give me?
Perhaps my brother was right. Loyalty is only a learned trait to humans and most humans feel it is a waste of time. And though a dog may wake you up at 3am, its probably just because they want to cuddle with you.
I recently tried to explain to a friend that I am loyal to a fault, though I'm positive he still doesn't understand. Others may perceive this as being deaf, dumb and blind, perhaps letting myself be led on or having extremely rose tinted glasses about a person. I tend to laugh at these people. By loyal to a fault I mean that I am neither a fair weather nor fowl weather friend. I don't stick around to share the glory and I don't stick around to feel less miserable. In all actuality, I am extremely empathetic and other peoples misery quickly impacts me. I simply am there, for it all. This is not necessarily for everyone, but does go for those I deem important in my life. I see these friends faults just as well as I see their good points and I accept them at face value for who and what they are. Why this concept is hard to grasp, I do not know. Tolerance, patience and acceptance are things we could all do with a little more of.
Like I said though, I'm loyal to a fault. My fault. For some reason this loyalty seems to be a one way street. Ok, sure, people don't ask it of me. Well too bad because it is part of the package deal. That does not mean it needs to be thrown in my face. I'm not dumb, I know when I'm being walked on or taken advantage of. It just doesn't bother me that much and I've learned that people truly feel sorry when they figure out for themselves what they are doing, not when it's pointed out. I'm not deaf. I may walk around with headphones in a lot but I hear people talk. I'm good at putting pieces together and coming to the right conclusion. Alcohol makes for loose lips as well. I'm not blind either, though body language does seem to be a lost art to most people and they don't realize they speak it fluently but can't understand a word. Just observe people for a while and you'd be amazed what you learn. Mirrored sunglasses are a major perk for this. The warning signs are there and I choose to ignore them so I'm not being led on, I am a willing participant. My glasses aren't tinted either, I see very clearly what is infront of me and accept it. All of this just means that when things do go to hell, it is my fault.
I understand why I am this way. Betrayal in early life sucks and is a lesson hard earned and not forgotten. What I don't understand is why other people are the way they are. Is it really that easy or even smart to throw aside someone who no matter what will stand beside you, if not in front of you? What does one gain from this anyhow? Is it just the fact that I too have flaws but others are not as accepting as me? This coarse of events has happened several times in my life though only in recent years has it been significant in meaning. Perhaps it bothers me because I know I will not change. I will be loyal to that person, walk out on conversations trashing them, answer their call at 3am and try to make sure they have something to smile at until they walk away. And that is what has to happen. I can be lied to infinite number of times but will forgive, though not forget. I can be forgotten and pushed aside but will still sit in the corner waiting for them to bore of whatever caught their attention. I will defend them even when I am the butt end of the joke. I will also fight for them to stay when they want to walk away. But eventually it seems that is what happens, it is what always happens. I have become used to it, though not numb to it. The part that usually stings the most is that there never seems to be an explanation when they leave. All I ask for is understanding, not the same level of loyalty in return. So why is a simple explanation so hard to give me?
Perhaps my brother was right. Loyalty is only a learned trait to humans and most humans feel it is a waste of time. And though a dog may wake you up at 3am, its probably just because they want to cuddle with you.
Friday, January 21, 2011
There's No Roadmap to the Future
"Good chess players think 5 moves in advance" "But great chess players think only one move ahead. But it's always the right move." I remember a teacher telling me the first half of that quote in sixth grade, however I had never heard the second half about great thinkers. As I heard it off of Lie to Me, I am not sure of its legitimacy, but it got me thinking anyway.
As a college student, it seems like every other question I hear is in regards to the future. What do I wanna do with my degrees? Where do I see myself at my tenth high school reunion? What am I doing this summer? Where do I wanna live? How many kids do I want? The list goes on endlessly and the answer I give to many of these questions is "I don't know." But lets not kid ourselves, life thus far seems to be questions about the future. I remember in 5th grade noticing a pattern in what teachers said at the beginning and end of each year. 4th grade's job is to prepare you for the 5th, 5th for Jr. High, Jr. High for High School, High School for College yada yada. But on a rare occasion there was a teacher that said their job was to prepare us for the future and life (A big thanks to those teachers too, starting with Foss and Brassard through to Boffa, Pomerleau, Conroy and Leblanc). So why is it I find myself unable to think of the future?
Maybe it's because I have a tendancy to be stuck in the past. Like everyone else my past is motled with good and bad events, people coming and going, laughter and well not tears as I don't see the point but definitely sad moments. It's nothing special. But it's something I know and I know well. The only unknowns are when I play the what-if game. But it's all done with. My high school swim team was like a family when we all dealt with 4 funerals in 4 months. My senior year I put a marching band on the field. I never missed a day in Jr. High. I started my 'career' as a writer in sixth grade. I broke almost every finger in both hands from winter guard alone. There may not be any proof but I believe that the majority of people operate like this. It is much less scary to deal with things in the past and convince ones self that history repeats itself, thus giving a reason to perhaps use the past as a crutch. I also believe most people have a fantasy of an idealistic future with kids names, a city to live in and the kind of car they drive all wrapped up with a pretty bow on top waiting for them. I am not one of those many. For those that say they don't think about the future because they like the surprise, I call Bullshit. A surprise from life is often, though not always, a kick in the teeth. But this may also be the ravings of a jaded mind. Though I do believe those that say the future is open to anything you make it and it just depends on what opportunities you see and take.
This is not about other people though, or the majority, it's about me. (If you really know me, I would hope you have figured out I do not like talking about myself but am rather skilled at merely making people think I share myself with them.) A little over a month ago, I voiced my fear to a friend that I was on the wrong path and he in turned ask me what I saw when I looked at the big picture. In this instance the big picture referred to the future. I have spent from then, until now think of that big picture and what I see. Sadly, I see nothing. I have agonized over the recent decisions I have made and what kind of position they have put me in, where they could lead and what decision they have me now facing. I have the ability to look at what I have done, am doing and have an opportunity to do and follow those things into the future with a logical and realistic mindset of where it will land me, for better or worse. But for the life of me I can not say which path is right for me. And I am wise enough to realize I am the only one that can figure that out, though I do value advice and guidance from those I trust.
I started by saying a good chess player thinks 5 moves ahead. I will jump up and down and sign in blood that I absolutely detest thinking that far ahead. That would cause me to second guess to the point of insanity. However, I also quoted that a great chess player only thinks one move in advance. Ok, well I do do that. I am in college with a hopeful career in mind so yes I have some tentative idea of what I need to do when I wake up tomorrow. The other part of that quote was that it's always the right move. And that is where I'm full of self doubt and uncertainty. Whether I am a good or a great chess player is yet to be seen. Maybe I should just stick to 4-Square.
The most asked question when I broach this subject with someone is "What makes you happy?" and to those people I say: I don't know. But, alas, that is a blog for another night.
As a college student, it seems like every other question I hear is in regards to the future. What do I wanna do with my degrees? Where do I see myself at my tenth high school reunion? What am I doing this summer? Where do I wanna live? How many kids do I want? The list goes on endlessly and the answer I give to many of these questions is "I don't know." But lets not kid ourselves, life thus far seems to be questions about the future. I remember in 5th grade noticing a pattern in what teachers said at the beginning and end of each year. 4th grade's job is to prepare you for the 5th, 5th for Jr. High, Jr. High for High School, High School for College yada yada. But on a rare occasion there was a teacher that said their job was to prepare us for the future and life (A big thanks to those teachers too, starting with Foss and Brassard through to Boffa, Pomerleau, Conroy and Leblanc). So why is it I find myself unable to think of the future?
Maybe it's because I have a tendancy to be stuck in the past. Like everyone else my past is motled with good and bad events, people coming and going, laughter and well not tears as I don't see the point but definitely sad moments. It's nothing special. But it's something I know and I know well. The only unknowns are when I play the what-if game. But it's all done with. My high school swim team was like a family when we all dealt with 4 funerals in 4 months. My senior year I put a marching band on the field. I never missed a day in Jr. High. I started my 'career' as a writer in sixth grade. I broke almost every finger in both hands from winter guard alone. There may not be any proof but I believe that the majority of people operate like this. It is much less scary to deal with things in the past and convince ones self that history repeats itself, thus giving a reason to perhaps use the past as a crutch. I also believe most people have a fantasy of an idealistic future with kids names, a city to live in and the kind of car they drive all wrapped up with a pretty bow on top waiting for them. I am not one of those many. For those that say they don't think about the future because they like the surprise, I call Bullshit. A surprise from life is often, though not always, a kick in the teeth. But this may also be the ravings of a jaded mind. Though I do believe those that say the future is open to anything you make it and it just depends on what opportunities you see and take.
This is not about other people though, or the majority, it's about me. (If you really know me, I would hope you have figured out I do not like talking about myself but am rather skilled at merely making people think I share myself with them.) A little over a month ago, I voiced my fear to a friend that I was on the wrong path and he in turned ask me what I saw when I looked at the big picture. In this instance the big picture referred to the future. I have spent from then, until now think of that big picture and what I see. Sadly, I see nothing. I have agonized over the recent decisions I have made and what kind of position they have put me in, where they could lead and what decision they have me now facing. I have the ability to look at what I have done, am doing and have an opportunity to do and follow those things into the future with a logical and realistic mindset of where it will land me, for better or worse. But for the life of me I can not say which path is right for me. And I am wise enough to realize I am the only one that can figure that out, though I do value advice and guidance from those I trust.
I started by saying a good chess player thinks 5 moves ahead. I will jump up and down and sign in blood that I absolutely detest thinking that far ahead. That would cause me to second guess to the point of insanity. However, I also quoted that a great chess player only thinks one move in advance. Ok, well I do do that. I am in college with a hopeful career in mind so yes I have some tentative idea of what I need to do when I wake up tomorrow. The other part of that quote was that it's always the right move. And that is where I'm full of self doubt and uncertainty. Whether I am a good or a great chess player is yet to be seen. Maybe I should just stick to 4-Square.
The most asked question when I broach this subject with someone is "What makes you happy?" and to those people I say: I don't know. But, alas, that is a blog for another night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)