As a kid we were all told to make Christmas and Birthday lists so my mom could give ideas to relatives and such. Mine was split up into categories, literally, typed with headings and everything. The particular one that everyone found hilarious every year was "Unrealistic/ Not happening." Under this were things such as a tenor sax, a horse, my own room, etc. Even as a kid I was practical. As for the rest of the list, they were usually things like cds, books, and random thing that were useful. I never really wanted anything. I stopped telling people what was on my 'list' years ago in hopes that they would stop buying me things.
Lately things have been in a state of major upheaval in many aspects of my life and several people have told me to figure out what I want. I wonder if they realize how hard a task this really is for me. I was raised to not be selfish. In fact, due to the environment I was raised in, I don't even think of the impact on myself most times. For those that don't believe this, let's run a scenario. It's common knowledge that I don't sleep much and I don't sleep well. Yet I keep my phone on ring. Because when a friend calls at 3 or 4am, whether it's that they need a DD, are sick and need someone to help them or just had a fight with someone, I answer. Funny how almost every other person I know turns their phone to silent at night. I get that I'm not normal but sometimes it frustrates me that friendships have business hours. Fuck that. But alas I digress.
So what do I want? I'm still not even sure what that question means. Is it referring to my over all life out come? My personal life? Academics? Perhaps what I want for Christmas? The next 5 years? or at age 40? Before I die? Is this a bucket list type question? Can I buy a clue? In general, I suppose I want a warm house and a bunch of fuzzy blankets to curl up with when I'm tired. I want a cup of coffee in the morning that I can sip at my leisure. I want soft clothes that are comfortable to be in for whatever I do in a 20 hour period. I want the sun to shine and to sit outside and watch the animals play. I want to be surrounded by friends that make me laugh and smile. I want to not worry constantly about what is not getting done. I want to sit on a porch talking with a a good friend while sipping on wine til the sun comes up. I want to be able to lay down at night without a migraine and just fall asleep. Most of these things are not unreasonable, yet most of these things also do not happen.
These are also all things I will set aside if others will benefit. I was once told I help others because it's an excuse to procrastinate. . . Interesting thought. Yes indeed I'm a masochisc perfectionist, worry wart that enjoys panic attacks. Please raise your hand if that makes any sense and you are not on mind altering substances. I genuinely do want for others to be happy over me, you can believe it or not. But judge for yourself next time you ask me for a favor. I don't know what I want out of life. My academic path is in constant flux and sometimes I don't have control over it. I have no idea where I'll be in the future, or where I want to be. New Zealand and the tropics have always intrigued me. But usually people frown at me when they ask where I want to be in so many years and I reply with a geographical location.
The hardest 'want' for me to define has to be the personal one, especially regarding relationships. Since I realize any dream guy I can imagine isn't out there, I never bothered investing the time in making him. I get what I get. There's that damn acceptance again. Honestly all I want is someone that's willing to try to understand me, and has the patience they will desperately need for that task. Someone who will sit next to me when I've had a bad day and not need to say anything. And someone who understands that I'm not blowing them off when it's 2am and I'm still working. I'll come home when I'm done, I always do, I just have responsibilities I take seriously. This goes for friends in general too. It doesn't seem like much but in the past few years of personal experience and observation of others, I may as well ask for the moon.
As for right now, I'm tired and want to go to sleep. But there is work to be done and who really wants to go home to a cold house with no one there to sit and not talk with after its been a really bad week? Keep dreaming and hoping, they give a person drive and purpose. But wanting just brings disappointment.
